Top 5 Concrete Signs You’re Not in Love, You’re Trauma Bonded

By Ehtesham Arif

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Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion, often intertwined with our past experiences and traumas. While it’s natural to experience ups and downs in a relationship, sometimes what we perceive as love may actually be rooted in trauma bonding. In this article, we’ll cut into the top five concrete signs that indicate you’re not in love, but rather, you’re trauma bonded.


One of the telltale signs of trauma bonding is an obsession with your partner. You may find yourself constantly thinking about them, worrying about their well-being, and seeking their approval and validation.

This obsession can stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection, driving you to cling to your partner even when the relationship is unhealthy or toxic. Instead of genuine love and affection, this obsession is fueled by unresolved emotional wounds and insecurities, keeping you trapped in a cycle of dependence and longing.


Trauma bonding often leads to a sense of dependency on your partner for validation, security, and self-worth. You may feel like you can’t function or survive without them, relying on them to meet your emotional needs and validate your existence.

This dependency creates a power imbalance in the relationship, with one partner holding all the control and authority. Instead of fostering independence and self-reliance, this dependency reinforces feelings of helplessness and inadequacy, further perpetuating the cycle of trauma bonding.

Rollercoaster of Emotions

Another hallmark of trauma bonding is a rollercoaster of emotions within the relationship. You may experience intense highs and lows, alternating between moments of euphoria and despair.

These emotional fluctuations can be triggered by your partner’s behavior, such as their approval or rejection, leading to a cycle of hope and disappointment. Instead of stability and security, this rollercoaster of emotions creates chaos and uncertainty within the relationship, leaving you feeling emotionally drained and vulnerable.


Trauma bonding often involves isolating yourself from friends, family, and support networks. You may prioritize your relationship above all else, cutting ties with loved ones or neglecting your social life to appease your partner.

This isolation creates a sense of dependence on your partner for companionship and validation, further reinforcing the trauma bond. Instead of fostering healthy connections and relationships, this isolation perpetuates feelings of loneliness and alienation, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of trauma bonding.

Fear of Abandonment

One of the underlying fears driving trauma bonding is a fear of abandonment. You may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned or rejected by your partner, even at the expense of your own well-being.

This fear can manifest as clinginess, jealousy, or insecurity, leading to controlling or manipulative behavior within the relationship. Instead of fostering trust and security, this fear of abandonment creates a toxic dynamic characterized by insecurity and possessiveness, further entrenching the trauma bond.


In conclusion, it’s essential to recognize the signs of trauma bonding in a relationship and take steps to address them. Whether it’s obsession, dependency, emotional volatility, isolation, or fear of abandonment, these signs indicate that the relationship may be rooted in unresolved trauma rather than genuine love. By seeking support from loved ones, therapy, and self-reflection, you can break free from the cycle of trauma bonding and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.


Can trauma bonding occur in any relationship?

Trauma bonding can occur in any relationship where there is a power imbalance and unresolved emotional wounds.

How can I break free from trauma bonding?

Seek support from loved ones, therapy, and self-care practices. Focus on healing your emotional wounds and rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

Is it possible to love someone and still be trauma bonded?

Yes, it’s possible to experience genuine love for someone while also being trauma bonded. However, it’s important to distinguish between healthy love and toxic patterns of behavior.

Can trauma bonding be healed?

With time, effort, and support, trauma bonding can be healed. It requires addressing underlying emotional wounds and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

What are some signs that I’m healing from trauma bonding?

Signs of healing may include increased self-awareness, improved self-esteem, stronger boundaries, and healthier relationships with others.